Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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