So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
