News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
