Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
