I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
