I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
