I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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