I've blown a few things in my day
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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