dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize