why didn't you poke me back
She's JV to your varsity
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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