I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
