I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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