I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize