An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
