Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize