"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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