I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
