I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
