Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
