My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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