Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
