My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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