16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
