I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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