we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
