He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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