the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
there is puke in my bra ... again
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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