hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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