You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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