who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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