i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Use "feeling words"
Yay
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
