I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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