I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
