I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
