I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
