I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
