a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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