I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
