Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
