Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
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