so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
