Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
