booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
