help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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