I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize