I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize