dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
