Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
3pm strippers are depressing
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
