Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
The ass gains better be worth it
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