meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
