I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
