let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
