There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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