so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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