Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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