im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
