So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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