brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Those nachos came to me in a dream
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
