im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
