There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
