The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
