apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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