Please, let me fuck your mom
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
