if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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